


Like Real People Do

by mexmaistrash



Series: Got to keep dancing when the lights go out [3]
Category: Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Anniversary, Breaking and Entering, Dinner, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fun, Gaming, Gen, Home Alone, Slice of Life, adam and barb are couple goals, beetlejuice needs some love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23627695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mexmaistrash/pseuds/mexmaistrash
Summary: The Deetzes go on vacation and leave the Maitlands the house for a whole week. They decide it is time to get a taste of being normal again, but they make it their own.
Relationships: Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland
Series: Got to keep dancing when the lights go out [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536802
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	Like Real People Do

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my docs for too long, and the times were begging me to post something new. Some fluff and some love for the Maitlands! My actual ghost parents and couple goals. Also kinda long? Idk i love long one-shots/slices of life, treat yourself

“You have my phone number? Delia’s as well?” Charles asked.

“In the fridge, along with the emergency contacts” Barbara answered, pointing to the kitchen. 

“The neighbors’ contact?”

“Don’t think they’ll answer us, but yes” Adam replied. 

“Know what to do in case of flood? A fire? An earthquake?”

“Charles! We used to live here! We are prepared for every single situation, don’t get all worked up” Barbara smiled, noticing the tension on Charles’ shoulders. 

Charles rubbed at his temples, trying to calm down as he plowed through details with his deceased imps. “I know, I know...it’s just...we are leaving for a week and I get worried”.

“Dad, it’s gonna be fine. It’s not as if Adam and Barbara aren’t capable of looking after their own house!” Lydia dashed in front of him, her luggage trailing behind her as she ran to the parked car in the driveway. 

“You guys planned this vacation for yourselves, go and have fun. We’ll keep an eye on the house, and we will get in contact with you if anything happens,which will be nothing.” Adam assured him as he wrapped an arm around his wife. Their smiles seemed to appease him and he nodded a farewell in their direction. 

“Alright. Lydia! I said no big hats in the rear! The chauffeur won’t be able to see out the back!” Charles made his way out the door to stop Lydia from filling the trunk with all her luggage and leave no space. Delia walked up to the Maitlands, touching up her make-up.

“Anything you want us to fetch for you? I know clothing is out of the conversation but maybe a souvenir?” she asked, looking between both of them.

“No need for that. But if you can get one of those tiny bottles full of sand with a name on i-” Adam started to say but was elbowed in by Barbara.

"Go have a family vacation for yourselves. The least we can do is look after the place” Barbara said as she helped get the rest of the luggage close to the door. She had to wonder how much was Delia’s and how much was Charles’, both of them sure had a flair for the dramatic when it came to dressing up. 

Lydia bounced back into the house, running up to the Maitlands to give them a farewell hug. “I’ll take loads of pictures! And then I can show you how to develop them in the darkroom!” she said excitedly, clinging unto Barbara’s arm. Barbara giggled and ruffled Lydia’s hair.

“I’m sure we can learn a thing or two from you. Got your camera? Film?” Adam asked and was pleased when Lydia nodded. “Ok, you gotta get going! Plane leaves in 4 hours, people!”

After stuffing the taxi’s trunk with their suitcases and Charles going through his house protocol one more time, the Deetzes drove away from the house, with a chauffeur very much perplexed by why his passengers were waving at their wide-open house. 

Barbara sighed as she closed the door, locking it, knowing there was no need to open it in the week that followed. She and Adam shared a knowing look, much like teenagers with no parental guidance.

“A whole week-”

“With the house back-”

“For ourselves!”

They laughed and embraced each other. It’s not as if they didn’t get along with the Deetzes, they were a tight family now. But having the house they had lived in for 10 years back...it was exhilarating. Not to mention that Charles had planned their vacation just the same week that the Maitlands were going to celebrate their anniversary. Adam and Barbara did not know how to ask them for some privacy, they had agreed to tell them about it at least a couple of weeks before the actual date. But then Lydia had gone to them to tell them the news, a full week in Hawaii with Charles and Delia. 

“I’ve never gone to the beach! It’s gonna be amazing!” She had said, jumping up and down. 

Barbara and Adam brightened up, helping her with making a list of things to do and see that day, discarding their memorized speech that was going to be the original plan. 

The house, full of different sounds usually, was now eerily quiet. Barbara found it funny how it could now pass as an actual haunted house, the plain ones that high schoolers could plan. She also shivered at the thought that their lives could have gone that way, with an empty house they could have never gone out of, the two of them all alone. But she brushed those thoughts away. Right now, it was just her and the love of her life, getting ready for a romantic week. 

“So...what do you want to do first?” Adam asked, wrapping his arms around her from behind, resting his head on her shoulder. “House is ours, neighbors won’t bother, and it’s been 12 years since we have been married.” He buried his face in her neck, making her giggle. 

“Stop that! It tickles!” Barbara said, pulling away. 

Adam grinned, prowling on her. He knew she was ticklish, from her ribs to her toes, and he was not gonna pass up the opportunity to be able to chase her down the house, just like when they had first bought it. “Really? And what if I do it again?”

Barbara shrieked as Adam launched at her, and she jumped, staying mid-air, floating just above where her husband had tried to catch her. They both weren’t used to using their ghost abilities, mostly because Lydia always asked them to do something dangerous, but now...now they could do as they pleased. Barbara giggled as she saw Adam frown dramatically at her. 

“Not fair! I didn’t expect you to do that!”

“New Barbara, new rules! Now..try to catch me, sucker!” She laughed as she dashed upstairs, easily phasing through the ceiling and into their bedroom. She knew Adam would be 1) shaking off the fact she called him ‘sucker’ (she would apologize for that) and 2) planning his strategy to catch her. It always went like that. 

Too caught up in her head, she gasped when she felt something grab her ankle. She shook him off, almost kicking him when Adam’s head started to come up. She backed away and started to levitate, a smile on her face. She saw Adam getting ready to block her way and intercept her. They played at it for a bit, like a linebacker trying to fool the defense. Barbara moved first, tricking Adam into going left when she dashed forward and went over his head, again. 

“I see your strategy! You can’t get away from me that easily!” He yelled after her, now floating behind her. 

“And then you’ll get me and my little dog, too?” She teased, phasing into the stairs and then appearing on the wall opposite them, beaming. 

“Hey, that’s a neat trick. Now watch this!” He said as he threw his hands forward, and his arms just got long, long, longer until they reached a shocked Barbara. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in, grinning widely. His wife just stared at the coils that kept her from moving.

“When did you learn to do that?” Barbara asked, her interest of running away from getting tickled gone. 

“I accidentally learned to do it after Delia asked me to kill a cockroach for her. And you know I hate them, so I just hoped for the best and—“

“And stretched your arm so you would smash it?”

“My leg, actually! But I figured I could do the same thing with my arms.” He pulled his arms back, now just grasping Barbara by her waist, who smiled at him.   
“We’re getting good at this, aren’t we? I mean, ghosting.” Barbara said, remembering her first attempt at being scary.

“We got a whole millena in front of us to be bad at being ghosts. And a whole millena of anniversaries to start planning.” Adam said as she dipped her into a kiss. 

___

“No! Nooooo! Ah dang it!” Adam yelled as he saw the bowling ball spin to the left on the TV. Barbara sat back in the couch, waiting for her turn, suppressing yet another laugh. She knew her husband had been bad at bowling tournaments, but she didn’t know that skill also translated so well into video games. Lydia had gifted them an old console to play with, knowing that there was a limit as to how many activities the couple could do inside the house. Going outside had gone completely wrong the first time, there were two new sandworms circling the place now, beings that only the Deetzes and the Maitlands could see. They weren’t crazy about leaving the house now, thanks to the invention of motion-sense controls. 

Adam sighed again and slumped back on the couch, seeing Barbara nail yet another strike. He let his smile slip away from his face as he realized something.

“How is it that I am terrible even at fictional activities?” he asked out loud.

Barbara giggled and turned around, just to be hit by a ton of metaphorical bricks as she saw her husband, leaning forward with his head in his hands, looking rather gloom. She bit her lower lip, she hadn’t seen Adam like that for a while. He had asked a questions of the sort before, when he couldn’t quite grasp woodworking the first time. She paused the game and slumped next to him.

“You know you don’t have to be good at every single thing, right?” she said, sliding an arm behind him. “And we’re dead...it’s not as if writing down “Wii Sports Bowling Professional” in your CV is going to affect your life later on, Adam.”

Adam leaned back, gave Barbara a look that she couldn’t really pin an emotion on and huffed out. “Makes me feel better, a useless ghost that just wanders around. Couldn’t even haunt my own house!” He stood up abruptly but Barbara pulled him back.

Adam turned around to look at her and was taken aback that she seemed angry. 

“Adam, why are you talking about yourself like that? What’s gotten into you, honey?”

“Because it’s true! I’ve never done anything great in my life! A life that was cut short because of some stupid floorboards I didn’t fix when they needed to be fixed!” He was grabbing at his hair now, the remote hitting him slightly on the head, it was still attached to his wrist. He gazed at his wife, thinking of everything he took away from her because of his mistake: anniversaries in Europe, dinners at her parents, growing old, grandchildren...the list kept going on. He felt a weight on his non-existent lungs crushing down. And he felt Barbara’s hands on his face.

“Honey, that wasn’t your fault, nobody could have predicted what happened to us, not one soul. And we’re still here, we’re together.” She smiled, oh how he loved that smile.

“But we lost so much, so many more years of things we could have done!” he argued, taking her hands in his.

She shook her head. “Of doing what? Going out to recreational classes? Not being ready for kids? Just not living life? Death helped us more than any other thing we ever did, Adam.” She sighed and hugged him tight. “You’ve done more good than you give yourself credit for, you know?” 

“Like what?” he asked, scoffing.

“Well, you finally put that big brain of yours to good use, you help Lydia with her science homework, and even though she doesn’t show it much, she is very thankful.” Barbara started saying, and shushed her husband when he tried to interrupt her. “Let me finish! It might not be a big deal to you but it is to me! And you were such a sweetie in high school, always defending the underdog, even when you got your butt handed back to you. And you have me, our relationship! Isn’t that one of the biggest milestones in your life?” She looked at him with those big brown eyes of hers, full of love and understanding. 

Adam felt his lips go dry, because he knew she was right, he couldn't’ deny it, marrying her had made him feel on top of the world. Out of every single guy that attended Winter River High School, Barbara had decided to go out with him for some reason he still didn’t understand. 

Barbara giggled and gave him a peck on the lips to pull him back to earth. “You don’t have to be the best in everything, Adam. You’re already the best husband to me”. 

\---

“What does the recipe say? 2 kilograms or 2 cups?” Barbara asked Adam as she browsed the pantry, looking for flour.

“Kilograms! Gosh, won’t that be a lot? I mean there’s just you and me, we could maybe do those brownies in a cup instead?” Adam said as he browsed the recipe book. Every year they would get a dessert for their anniversary, apple pie with ice cream to decorate, but seeing as they could not go out nor be seen by anyone they decided to do what they did best, DIY it themselves. 

They found out that eating was an option, it just wasn't necessary anymore, and they wanted to feel like a normal couple for at least the duration of a dinner. It was their third day without the Deetzes already, a Wednesday, they had planned their dinner for Friday and wanted everything to be perfect. Making a pie sounded easy and if it didn’t work out well, they still had plenty of things planned.

Barbara started handing Adam the ingredients from the pantry, mentally preparing herself for this challenge. She was gonna bake the best pie for Adam, she just knew she could. And she needed to be focused on the task at hand. “No place in my anniversary for brownie-in-a-cup, we’ve had apple pie for the last 12 years and being dead is not going to stop me from enjoying it!” 

Adam struggled to hold back a chuckle as he saw his wife put on an apron as if she was putting on an armor. Barbara was a decent baker and cook, she never burned a single thing in the kitchen, but she had never done a pie from scratch.It was going to be an interesting evening. 

“Ok, so...bowls! And the measuring cups! I wonder where Delia left them.” Barbara said as she started to search the cabinets, Adam helped her. She didn’t spend more time in the kitchen now, she just helped cook, never really asking where anything was. 

They had redecorated the place, again, finally settling on a theme both families could agree on. But the structure had been left the same. Thank god, Barbara thought, if they had done anything else to this kitchen I would have gone bonkers.

“Are these the bowls you’re looking for?” Adam said, showing some glass bowls. 

Barbara shook her head and did a gesture with her hand, passing it in front of her face slowly. “These are not the bowls you are looking for”. 

Adam played along and made his face go ‘blank’, putting the bowls back in their place, while Barbara giggled. They kept at it, each of them in a different corner of the kitchen, until they found them and began to work. Barbara would ask Adam to pass her ingredients as she read the recipe, walking from dry ingredients to wet ingredients and so on and so forth. 

“Ok! One teaspoon vanilla, 3 sticks of cinnamon, 5 chopped peeled apples and baking powder!” Barbara called out to Adam as she made the dough. Adam repeated the instructions to himself and started peeling apples. It wasn't log before she heard Barbara talk again.

“Oh thank you honey”.

“No problem! The apples will be ready in a jiffy!” he said and carried on.

Barbara started laughing and he felt confused, he didn’t take his eyes off the apple he was peeling and asked “What’s so funny?”

“What do you-hahah-mean? Y-Y-You’re the one wh-whose tickl-STOP-tickling me with your long arm trick!” Barbara said between bits of laughter.

Adam went stiff, not daring to turn around. Both his hands were still in front of him, and he didn’t know how to protrude more hands from himself. And no one else was home...unless.

He whipped around quickly, not sure if he was relieved or concerned, to see Beetlejuice was tickling Barbara with 3 arms, the demon was biting down hard on his lips to stop himself from laughing.

“Beetlejuice! What the hell are you doing here?” Adam said, scaring both his wife and the demon. Barbara finally whipped around, eyes wide, as he saw the third arm retreat into Beetlejuice’s coat. He winked at her and let out a laugh.

“Well?” Adam said, hands on his hips, a scowl on his face.

“C’mon, sexy, lighten up! I didn’t touch her inappropriately this time. Just an innocent joke with two of my bestest pals.” He extended his arms to bring the three of them together. It was just then that the Maitlands noticed his new attire: a matching striped set of bermudas and a hawaiian shirt, he even had sandals on.

Barbara escaped his embrace and regarded him. “Why so fancy, where are you going?”

“Well, I may or may not have been snooping around, mind you I don’t “snoop”, I am always bashing my head into other people’s business, any kind of business, like se”--

“YES WE GET IT”.

“--and I heard Lydia was going to the beach! So I prepared! Look, even got my own baggage done.” He then gestured to a single suitcase, that was being guarded by 5 clones of himself. “When are we leaving? What’s the schedule?” He hopped unto the kitchen counter, making a cocktail appear on his hand.

Adam and Barbara looked at each other, not knowing how to tell him the news.

Adam cleared his throat. “Beetlejuice...they left 3 days ago, did Lydia tell you when she was leaving or did you just overheard her?” he asked, cautiously. But by the look on his face Adam pretty much knew the answer. “You can still catch up! It’s not as if you couldn’t just--”

“Appear in their hotel? Yeah, I know that! But you gotta consider I have no idea what place they are, unless Lydia summons me, which knowing her the little brat won’t, and I wanted to make life hell for Charles all throughout the airplane ride!” he frowned, his bushy eyebrows knitting together, three arms crossing over his chest. He didn’t look angry, he looked like a toddler making a fuss.

The Maitlands knew next to nothing of toddlers throwing tantrums, let alone demons throwing tantrums. Barbara peaked over to the clones, noting they also seemed let-down, even sad. It was then she knew she there was too much goodness in her and not enough heart to make all of them leave. 

“Would you rather...help us out for a bit? Just to cheer you up”.

Beetlejuice jumped from the counter, immediately interested. “Whatchu’ got in mind? House is all yours, right? Oh! Are you guys planning a ghosts-only rave? I know a shitton of people who would live to go to one!” He turned on his heel and called the clones to attention. “Listen up! I want this house to look MORBID! I want it to look DISASTROUS! We cannot let ghosts think people live here!” All the clones nodded enthusiasticalLy and were just a step into wreaking havoc when Barbara intervened.

“YOU ARE NOT TOUCHING A SINGLE THING IN THIS HOUSE!” her voice sounded all around the place, bouncing about. Her cheeks were blushed as she scowled. 

“Alright....sorry guys, it will be another time.” Beetlejuice said as he made the copies vanish with a snap. “So what, oh you great ghosts, were doing before I got here? White hobbies?”

It was now turn for Adam to intervene, before Barbara really lost it. “Beetlejuice...I’m gonna put this as simple as it is. Barbara and I want to be together, alone, because it’s our anniversary--”

“And you were planning on getting nasty, oooh yeah, I see now, I get iiiit” Beetlejuice said, his mischievous smirk growing on his face. “Should have said it before! We could work out the technicalities later, but I am so down with helping you with that!” 

“Not what we wanted help with!” Barbara said as she hid behind Adam. 

Adam took a breath before continuing. “You know, maybe we don’t need the help. We’ll make you known when Lydia is back so you can welcome her home”. Adam offered, but he noted the surprise of being rejected in the demon’s eyes. 

“Well, never ask for help if you don’t know what you even need help with, weirdos. Guess I’ll stick around some other beach, confuse some lifeguards, harass some tourists, you know?” he motioned down to his belly and an inflatable donut appeared on him. “I’m gonna go have fun without your help.” And he was gone. 

“Bit of a drama queen, isn’t he?” Adam said a few moments later. “At least he wasn’t mad.”

Barbara sighed. “Or upset. I know he likes to be around but...I’m still wary. And he is way too energetic for my lifestyle.” She turned back to her dough and squinted her eyes at it. “Oh, he knew exactly what we were doing.” 

Adam moved over to Barbara’s station and he couldn’t help but chuckle. “Could have been worse.” The dough had been turned into a perfect shade of green that matched Beetlejuice’s hair. Other than that it was still fresh and ready for the oven. Both of them could swear they heard Beetlejuice’s voice say “white hobbies” a couple of times, along with his laughter. 

\-----

“Alright honey, I’m done dressing up! I’ll see you upstairs!” Adam said as he floated his way up to the roof. He had practiced a lot for the evening the art of summoning objects, and he had conjured up the perfect table for two with matching chairs. The food was ready, ravioli and salad, and their very own green apple pie, with a bottle of wine. Adam had also learned how to alter his outfit, and he was now wearing his wedding tuxedo. He waited, nervous, as to what his wife’s reaction would be. 

“I’m coming up! Close your eyes!” Barbara called out. Adam did as said and even put both hands over his face, just to make her giggle.

He heard her gasp and knew she was surprised by his outfit. He took his hands away from his face to open his eyes and had to gasp as well. She was wearing her wedding dress, and she looked even more beautiful.

“I guess we both thought the same thing?” Adam said, as he pulled up the chair for her to sit. 

Barbara smiled and settled herself in the seat. “It’s our first anniversary as ghosts, might as well just go all out with dressing up.” 

Adam couldn’t argue with that. He settled in his chair and they toasted, to a million more anniversaries in the afterlife. They had found an old record player and brought it out, too. With no neighbors that close they were free to turn it up as loud as they wanted. 

They were cutting the green apple pie when they started to talk about something that wasn’t their relationship through the years.

“How do you think the Deetzes are doing? We see them in two days.” Adam asked, serving a single piece of pie on a plate and scooting over next to Barbara.

“Probably doing alright. I mean, as good as family vacations can go. You remember going on vacation with my mom?” she said as she dug into the pie. “She is NOT someone who should be going out to a different state.”

Adam laughed. “She was all ‘What do you mean we’re climbing that? Where is the chauffeur?’ Should have told her it was a trailing vacation.” 

“I’ll miss those...going out, seeing new places...even just going downtown would be nice.” Barbara reminisced of her life just a year ago, living and breathing. Adam noticed and held her hand, giving it a squeeze.

“I’d rather be here, all cooped up, than being bossed around in that horrible place. Gives me creeps just from thinking about it.”

“Lydia told me about it.” Barbara said, toying with a piece of apple.

Adam raised his eyebrows, prodding her to continue.

“She sometimes has nightmares, and I happen to walk by her room, you know. So I tell her to talk them out to me, just so she knows it’s not real and it can’t happen to her anymore. She says it was cold, numb like winter. Pitch black, with many rooms and hallways to who knows where, like a never-ending building. I feel bad she had to go through that, and I feel bad that we are supposed to be there but we are here, enjoying the outside, while so many people are--”

“Barbara, they can’t make us go there. All those people? They weren’t intercepted by a demon. Those recently deceased read the book and went straight to where they were told to go. I think we are pretty lucky to be able to stay here.” Adam said, before she went down a spiral of guilt-tripping herself. He didn’t want to spoil their special day with thoughts that could be said during a different time. “I know we can’t leave because that means we could get eaten by god knows what...but the Deetzes help us out!” He said, trying to not grab at straws.

They did help out telling them about the world outside. Adam even started fixing an old computer that would stay in their room, and so he could focus on a new hobby: online courses. He would have everything he wanted, just in the reach of a click. He felt stoked about it. 

But the expression didn’t leave Barbara’s face, she was thinking deeply about something, and when she did so it was serious business. Adam reached out to put an arm around her shoulders but was startled when she stood up abruptly, making the chair fall back. She had a look that he hadn’t seen in a while, a very determined facade. And so he saw her look at him, she smiled.

And she took off. Jumping off the roof.

Adam jumped out of the seat, almost throwing off everything from the table and saw just the moment when Barbara took off and instead of falling like a regular human, she flew, into the nothingness in front of them. She looked ecstatic, her face glowing with pure happiness from where he could see.

“You gave me the BIGGEST fright ever! What were you thinking!” Adam scolded her, but she just laughed.

“I thought that maybe one of two things could happen. I would plummet down or I could just do this” she said as she demonstrated moving about, her feet disappearing, as she glided gracefully in the air. “It’s not that different from being in the house, try it!”   
Adam gulped and stepped back to get a running start, jumping just like Barbara did, grateful he wasn’t 100% corporeal or his foot would have definitely caught on the railing. He gained his balance and floated over next to Barbara, chuckling at their new trick. 

“Not bad, I give it a 8.5” Barbara said as she linked her arms behind his head.

“That’s a terrible score for someone of my rank, I want a redo” Adam said, grabbing her by the waist.

“No can do, final verdict, although the judge may be in a position to be bribed” she said, leaning closer to him. The music from the record player was slower now, a waltz. 

“I know just the thing she might have in mind” he said as their lips met. They kept at it, their romantic escapade just a bit outside the house. Not breaking any rules and not in reach of any weird ghost. The moon was full, the stars were out, and they had to find a way to answer the phone when a neighbor called, ranting about seeing ‘a bride and a groom dancing on the roof’.

\----

Beetlejuice had been maybe somewhat right when it came to calling them out on being “nasty”, as he had put it. It hadn’t been their fault that placebo effect kicked in for a couple of new ghosts and they had felt a bit drunk after their wine. It also hadn’t been a plan to retreat back to their room so late at night, it was almost 3am the last time Barbara saw the clock. It might have been a coincidence that it was non-verbally agreed that they had to take off their fancy clothes. It might also have been non-verbally agreed to not replace those clothes with other outfits. 

But what had definitely not been planned was for a loud crash to be heard downstairs. 

Nonetheless a voice neither of them could place.

This is what made them jolt back to sobriety and decency.

Barbara snapped her fingers to get dressed quickly, a white dress being the only thing coming to mind. “What was that? Do you think it was Beetlejuice?”

Adam dressed as well, pants and a white shirt. “Non-likely, he likes to jump on us like a puppy”. They were currently in the second floor, Charles had upgraded the house so they didn’t have to live in the attic anymore. The attic was now Lydia’s darkroom. Adam crossed the door without opening it and heard the commotion from downstairs. There was rustling and some cursing. Barbara showed up next to him, looking nervous.

“What do we do? We can’t call the cops! They can’t come here and just catch a criminal without seeing someone in the house!” Adam reasoned, thinking maybe about calling a neighbor and let them figure it out by the noises in the background.   
“It’s an intruder, Adam. And this house is as much ours as it is the Deetzes. So let’s give him a bit of a taste of what the Maitlands can do” she smiled mischievously, infecting Adam in the process, and they both knew exactly what to do. 

Downstairs, the intruder didn’t even remotely knew what was going to happen to them in the interlude of the next 10 minutes it took Adam and Barbara to chase them away.

The robber was taking out jewelry, crystals, porcelaine and such out of a cabinet, being careful about their movements. “Too easy, man” they whispered under their breath. Soon, they saw a new figurine, a granite hand, that they swore hadn’t been there but gosh was it really dark in that house. They made a grab for it, but the hand made the grab first. It held tightly unto their wrist and the robber screamed, dropping their bag. The bag didn’t even hit the floor, it just floated away to a safe place.

The robber shook off the hand, seeing it lay on the floor and then walk away to the next room. The intruder rubbed at their eyes, believing that the darkness was playing tricks on them. They took out a torch, and upon turning it on and pointing it to the staircase another scream left them paralyzed as they saw a woman, with a human head in her hand and a knife, smile at them. The robber ran into the kitchen, closing the door and backing away. The cabinets started to open and close, slow at first but picking up speed. The intruder fell to their knees, and scurried away, panting heavily. 

The door to the kitchen opened and they could hear the skittering of bugs, dozens of them, coming closer. They opened a drawer and drew out the first utensil they could find, a pair of kitchen clamps. They held them in front of themselves, almost a scene from a comedy. 

The bugs moved forward and piled together to form two humanoid figures, both looking not quite alright, with heads that had been deformed, eyes where there shouldn’t be eyes, melted skin and ripped clothes. The robber screamed bloody murder and made a run for it, passing between the two figures, tripping on the way to the door. When they reached it, it was locked, and no matter how much they pulled or pushed it it wouldn’t budge.

The robber saw the figures slowly coming toward them, and they cursed themselves for choosing the house on the hill to break into out of all the houses in the neighborhood. Then, an ominous glow started to form in front of them, and the two figures even looked confused as to what was happening. Green smoke started to cover the entire floor, a third figure emerging from it, many arms and green glowing eyes. At this point the robber felt their blood pressure was lower than a bad movie rating. 

The third figure was now face to face with them, and he smiled.

“Boo, motherfucker.”

\---

“That entrance was amazing! How did you know you had to come with us?” Adam said.

Beetlejuice, eating a very deserved piece of green apple pie, sat on the kitchen counter. The three of them gathered around to eat what had been left of the dinner after scaring away the robber, with Beetlejuice taking all the credit. “I didn’t know there was gon’ be a robber. I actually returned to make fun of you guys, but I sensed something was off. And you’d left everything on the roof, and I know you don’t leave messes behind just ‘cause.”

Barbara and Adam shared a quick glance, not dwelling too much on it or else they would actually be in sex jokes hell with Beetlejuice. 

“That person is absolutely not coming back. Prob’ly going to text all their robber friends about not messin’ with the haunted house on the hill.” Beetlejuice finished his plate and, very quietly, thanked Barbara for it. “So are you telling Chuck about this incident or not?”

Adam and Barbara looked at each other, debating it mentally.

“We probably should. I mean, he left us his number in case anything happened, but they’re coming back on Monday, I don’t see why we should bother them, especially Charles” Adam said. They had already put back everything in their place, nothing had suffered any sort of damage, as far as they could tell. And if something needed repairing, Adam would be on it.

“In all the time we’ve lived here we never tried to get robbed! Wonder if they had it all planned out” Barbara said, “people can be so selfish.”

“They sure are, Babs” Beetlejuice said. He hopped down from the kitchen counter and picked at his teeth with nail. “I should be goin’, anyway. You guys...I didn’t think I would said this to you, but you now could pass up as” he made a face,trying to think of a word “beginner ghosts? Level 1 haunters? Agh, you did some cool stuff.” 

The Maitlands didn’t know how to respond, from being told they were useless to being told they had improved, and from an actual demon nonetheless, it felt authentic.

Adam took a step forward as Beetlejuice prepared to poof himself away, and let his gaze linger on Adam.

“I know we probably don’t know how to act around you and such...but thank you for that compliment. You can definitely be our pie tester next time we decide to bake something” and then he hugged him. 

Beetlejuice parted the hug. “Yeah, yeah, it’s whatevs...tell me when Scarecrow is back. I’ve been BORED out of my mind without her. This is worst than when she is actually in school.”

Barbara giggled. “Just drop by in two days. I’m sure she misses you, too.”

The demon peaced out in a cloud of smoke, leaving something behind on the floor.

Adam knelt down to grab it and realized it was a photo. An instant photo, very recent. It showed Barbara and Adam on their new bed in the new room, nuzzling together. He showed it to Barbara and both were puzzled. On the back of the photograph it read, in quick bold handwriting, ‘SEXY AND BABS, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY’. 

\---

“WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE! WHAT DID THEY TRY TO TAKE FROM OUR HOUSE!” Charles shook Adam by his shoulders, making Adam dizzy. It had been just a couple of hours after the Deetzes had returned from their vacation, and Adam and Barbara wanted to get it out of their systems before anything else happened. 

“Screw that! What did you guys DO to make a robber run away!” Lydia said, unpacking in the middle of the living room. Her instant photos sprawled on the table as well as all the flowers and shells she had collected. “Those are the details I want!”

“Charles, honey, they had it under control. Nothing was broken, nothing was lost, and if it had been it would not have been their fault.” Delia said, taking Charles away from Adam and giving him a neck massage. “You couldn’t have done anything from a whole country away.”

“We need to add a security system then! Cameras, an automated lock, a fence in the steep part of the hill…” Charles ranted on, and everyone let him, pretty soon he would run out of ideas. He detoured to his room, Delia following him. 

“How was your week without mortals in the house? Did you guys do some spooky things without me?” Lydia said, sitting at the table.

Adam put down a couple of souvenirs Delia had gotten him, she found his name in a sand bottle!, and sat down with Barbara to retell their week. But they had done things so intimate, at least to them, that they didn’t want to overshare but they also didn’t want to leave Lydia hanging on a simple question.

“We did nothing unnatural. We played games, baked, had dinner. Life just like a normal couple.” Barbara said, smiling. ‘Or as normal as a couple of ghosts can be’.

“Really? No haunting, no levitating?” Lydia said, disappointed.

Adam shook his head. “Even kissed like normal people. Here, I’ll demonstrate.”

But Lydia was already up the stairs before he could dip Barbara into a kiss, and both of them laughed.


End file.
